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Friday, November 23, 2007


GREAT NEWS EVERYONE!! According to an email I recieved today, my email has won the HOLLAND lottery!!!

> Date: Fri, 23 Nov 2007 17:50:42 -0600> From:>

Holland E-LotteryReference Number: LSLUK/4034/8161

We are happy to announce to you that your email address has won the lumpsum pay out of 1,000,000.00 (One Million Euro ) on our draw(Category B) of 21st of November 2007, credited to Batch Number: 11/621/2PDH /DZRS/NL/07.

The draw was done electronically with several email addresses provided to this office by Microsoft to enhance the utilization of the internet.To claim your prize,you are to contact the claims department through your assigned claims agent with your refrence number and the listed details (1)Full Name: (2)Address: (3) Country of Residence: (4)Age/Sex: (5)Occupation: (6)Telephone Number: Marital Status:(7) Email Address (8) Refrence Number/Ratch Number)
Phone: +31641701434

Yours TrulyJames P Heller(Online Coordinator)


All I have to do is send them very personal information and my email address so I can collect 1 million EURO!! SUPER!!!
Plus it's obviously legitimate cause it was done "by Microsoft to enhance the utilization of the internet." I'm so glad I can enhance the utlization of the internet, by winning the Holland Lottery!!! YAY!!

...after Thanksgiving

5 Things to do after Thanksgiving

1. Pack up some leftovers, and bring them to a lonely neighbor. Take a few minutes to talk. Make their day a little brighter. NOT. My neighbor is a total freak. He’s probably in his underware right now, hoping I’ll stop by. DOUBLE BOLT THE DOORS.

2. Bake Christmas cookies, with your kids, or just by yourself, if you do not have any children because you’re unfertile or in a relationship that’s not going anywhere. There is something about the scent of fresh baked cookies, that just screams Holiday season! Or does it scream “You fat f*ck, go on a diet!!!”

lame cookies that cost $25 to make with little " shitty me elmo" faces.

3. Play boardgames with your children. Come on, aren't they a better company, then screaming, pushing, shoving bargain hunters? NO, they're not. Neither are my friends’ kids. They are screaming, pushy, shovy, gift grabbers!

4. Sleep in, and cuddle with the one you love. Unless his/her big hairy leg is all over your side of the bed and reminds of you of that giant turkey leg your gnarfed the day before. In which case, kick his turkey carcass to the couch! Today is all about you and your needs.

5. Set your goals for the coming months. Get yourself ready for what you really want out of life. You'll have plenty of time to spend the money you plan on making in the future. Unless of course, you spent all the cash already, holiday shopping online for “bargains”, in which case reassess your poor financial planning and sh*tball goals that have thus far, pissed your life down the toilet.

Have a blessed holiday season!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Thanksgiving Story


Most stories of Thanksgiving stories start with a boring introduction. Not this one. Lets just get right to it:

The Pilgrims, who sailed to this country that we founded because it’s ours and no-one legitimately was here before us, that counted, were originally members of the English Separatist Church (a PURE-TAN chuch) They had earlier fled their home in England and sailed to Holland, which is in The Netherlands. (for most of us that didn’t get Geography in our American education system.) Anyways, they fled to escape religious persecution. I’d like to know what kinds of persecutions, but they never say. There, the Pilgrims enjoyed more religious tolerancere. Hmmm…I tolerate taking the bus to work, but I wouldn’t say it’s enjoyable.

…but them Pilgrims eventually became disenchanted with the Dutch way of life, thinking it ungodly, much like Las Vegas. The heathens! Hello? Have you been to Amsterdam? Seeking a better life, the Separatists negotiated with a London stock company to finance a pilgrimage to America. That’s how they roll.

So The Pilgrims, a bunch of religious congregationalists, set ground at Plymouth Rock on December 11, 1620. Their first winter was devastating, much like my birthday this year due to the lack of decent presents. The had lost 46 of the original 102 who sailed on the Mayflower, a large boat. Considering many of the dead were from the London Stock company, sent to see how the dough was being spent, no one much cared.

But the harvest of 1621 was a bountiful one. And the remaining colonists decided to celebrate with a feast -- including 91 Indians who had helped the Pilgrims survive their first year. The Pilgrims would not have made it through the year without the help of the natives, whom they later killed, by poisioning the wine at a “Peace conference” with Powhatan leaders. The feast was more of a traditional English harvest festival than a true “thanksgiving” observation. It lasted three days, unlike my holiday from work, which is only ONE day. Also no one made people go around the table at dinner and say what they are thankful for. GAG. They knew that inner peace was something boiled pumkin don't really represent.

How did they get the turkey? Governor William Bradford, a forefather of William Shatner &, sent "four men fowling" after wild ducks and geese. It is not certain that wild turkey
was part of their feast, since WILD TURKEY is a brand of Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey distilled and bottled, but it is certain that they had venison. The term "turkey" was used by the Pilgrims to mean any sort of wild fowl. But what do they know, their Pilgrims. Turkey was also used during the 70’s as “jive talk”. Jive is a bad thing you fool. If you're talking some jive, it means you're talking bullsh*t. If somebody calls you a "jive turkey" you just got insulted. Jive can also mean any specific sort of jargon or language. “that cat was talking all smart, i didn't understand his scholarly jive.” It is not clear whether the pilgrims spoke jive.

Almost all my relatives gorge on pumpkin pie at thanksgiving, but it is unlikely that the first feast included that special treat you fat f*ck, so put your fork down. The supply of flour had been long diminished, so there was no bread or pastries, especially not twinkies, however, they did eat boiled pumpkin, yummy.

In addition, the pilgrims produced a type of fried bread from their corn crop. We call it “Elephant Ears” and eat it at the carnival y’all. This is an essential carnival food, as many carnies have “summer teeth.” Some are here, some are there. It makes it difficult to digest regular food, like corn dogs. In Plymouth, unlike the carnival, there was no milk, cider, potatoes, or butter cause there were no domestic cattle for dairy products. But lets be thankful for what they did have: fish, berries, watercress, lobster, dried fruit, clams, venison, and plums. LOBSTER!! WTF!!! I knew my family cheaped out on the $0.88 lb turkey!

This " Thanksgiving" feast was not repeated the following year. Very much like at our house, except we call it the “thanksgiving day debacle” with reference to whatever loser my sibling was dating at that time.

It wasn't until June of 1676 that another Day of
Thanksgiving was proclaimed. George Washington proclaimed a National Day of Thanksgiving in 1789, although some were opposed to it. Blah blah blah… they got shot. Later, President Thomas Jefferson opposed the idea of having a day of Thanksgiving . But many people wanted an excuse to get drunk and pass out.

It was Sarah Josepha Hale, a female species magazine editor, whose efforts eventually led to what we recognize as
Thanksgiving. Hale wrote many boring editorials championing her cause in her Boston Ladies' Magazine. I like how it was her cause. If you have a cause, please write it in here: ____________________________________________________________________. I have a cause for my sister, It’s called “FIND A JOB” & stop mooching off my parents. Then we can all truly be thankful.

Finally, after a 40-year campaign of writing editorials and letters to governors and presidents and other people who didn’t care, Hale's obsession became a reality when, in 1863, President Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday in November as a national day of Thanksgiving. Damn,
I thought Oprah was obsessed.

Thanksgiving was proclaimed by every president after Lincoln. The date was changed a couple of times, most recently by Franklin Roosevelt, who moved it to create a longer Christmas shopping season. The nerve! Anyone know what time the stores open on Friday? JCPenny’s is probably having a Presidential Thanksgiving Spectacular Sale!!

Public uproar against this decision caused the president to move Thanksgiving back. In 1941, Thanksgiving was finally sanctioned by Congress as a legal holiday, finally. The end. All the Indians died or opened gambling facilities and Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday in November. Lets take a moment and be thankful for our cornucopia of pumpkin pie!!
God bless America!

Thanksgiving QUIZ


How much do you know about turkey? Or jive talk? Have fun! The answers are in the story above!

1. What year did the Pilgrims have their first Thanksgiving Feast?

Ok dumbsh*t. It was 1620. DUH! If you put 1935, then you should be shot, along with the turkey.

2. What food was probably NOT on the Pilgrims' Thanksgiving menu?
Dried Fruit

I hope you got that one right!! Read the section on carnival folk, or if you are missing teeth and need dental care.

3. The Horn of Plenty, or Cornucopia, which symbolizes abundance, originated in what country?

Actually I don’t know either. Let me know if you find out. Just kidding, it’s Greece. Maybe.

4. What president didn't like the idea of having a national Thanksgiving Day?

Hint: _____ Starship!

5. Who is credited with leading the crusade to establish Thanksgiving Day?
Sarah Jessica Parker
Sarah Lee
Sarah Josepha Hale
Oprah’s Angel Network

That’s right! Oprah’s Angel Network!! YOU WIN A CAR!!! (+ taxes)

6. The reason Thanksgiving was moved up a week was...
To fullfil a political promise
To ward off evil spirits and keep the Wild Turkey flowing
Due to public pressure
To lengthen the Christmas shopping season & go to JCPENNYS! YAY!

7. When Congress made Thanksgiving an official holiday, they set the date as...
the 4th Thursday in November
the last Thursday in November
the Thursday that comes before the first Thusday in December
The end of November, but on a Thursday

8. My sister needs to find a job because:
mooching off my parents has gone on along enough
32 is too old to mooch off my parents
Thanksgiving feast is once a year, not everyday.
That’s American!

Ps Don’t tell my sister I wrote that. She’ll be pissed. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Friday, November 9, 2007






& I wear the same


scroll down to see the magic!!










<------- official panties!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007


Pick a noun.
    • 1. dog
    • 2. scooter
    • 3. boss
    • 4. treehouse
    • 5. cow
    • 6. coffee cup
Fill in the blank's with a word below:

My _________ is (a) __________!
........................................(noun) ...................................................(meat adjective)




Sunday, November 4, 2007


American Gansta is a gritty and entertaining throwback to classic gansgster films, which means its boring in some parts, however all the lead performers are hot, with the exception of Josh Brolin, (who played Mikey’s older brother in “GOONIES” and has several prominent tattoos.) He is in creepy, over-tanned mode the entire time and can best be likened to a 70’s cop version of David Copperfield.

All the actors wear really bad leisure suits, which makes it hard to concentrate on the main story line. Luckily, Denzell Washington’s super-bleached teeth draw us back into the storyline. Expect violence, especially when your not expecting it. Ridley Scott throws some in-your-face cut shots for effect. Lots of drug use, gross people who are sweaty and don't shave or shower. Their stank, rank pits will be in your face, especially if your sitting on the second row because the film is sold out, and everyone will be munching popcorn real loud, like rats, while you watch people inject heroin close up and see the blood. SUMMARY: close ups on stuff you’d totally avoid in real life. We left the 70’s for a reason. Don't look back.

Brian “fix your hair” Grazer produced it. who cares. Ridley Scott directed. He’s the one who made the smart choice to get Russell Crowe into a “GLADIATOR” suit! Plus he’s British, which means he knows films. Highlights include: ALIEN, with that freaky face thing, BLADE RUNNER (makes no sense to me), Thelma & Louise (Important because it introduced us to Brad Pitt*!)


*= super hot ^= bad hair @ = bloated #= English

Denzel Washington*,Russell Crowe @*, Brian Grazer ^, and Ridley Scott #, all team up to tell the “based on a true story” success story of a cult figure from the streets of 1970s Harlem in “AMERICAN GANSTER". I never heard of the dude and I’m American.

Apparently NOBODY used to notice Frank Lucas, played by Denzel Washington, because he was a quiet driver to one of the inner city's leading black crime bosses, plus his teeth were not bleached. But when his boss suddenly dies of a heart-attack, looking at bad 1970’s televisions for sale in some weird five and dime store, Frank rises to power, creating his own druggie king-pin version of the American Dream. Normally I would totally avoid this type of film, because I hate 70’s clothes, but with Washington & Crowe, it’s almost a must see!

We’re supposed to feel Frank has ingenuity and a strict business ethic, but really he’s just got a lot of pent up anger and rage. Through his pent up anger, rage and crafty ways, Frankie-boy comes to rule the inner-city drug trade. That’s like the first 1 ½ hours out of 3. By this time, your bum will start hurting sitting in the seat and you’ll be dying for a pee. But don’t get up, NOOoooo cause that’s when Russell Crowe starts “acting!”

Richie Roberts , played by Crowe, is an outcast cop close enough to the streets to “feel” a shift of control in the drug underworld. Too bad he doesn’t know what’s really going on through most of the film and drives a crappy beat up car. I mean Russell Crowe should have some standards.

Anyways, Roberts believes someone BLACK is rising above the Mafia families. NO! Roberts is suspecting and “feeling” things. He doesn’t “feel” for his wife though, cause he dumps her. I’d like to “feel” Russell Crowe, but I digress.

Both Lucas and Roberts share a rigorous ethical code that sets them apart from the other scumbag leisure suits in this film. They are indeed, lone figures on opposites sides of the law. To be fair, I think there are more people on Lucas side cause he’s the one with the money, the $50k chinchilla fur coat, married to Miss Puerto Rico, and the sweet pimp pad, where as Roberts (played by Crowe), is bloated, poor, and drives a sh*t-mobile.

The destinies of these two men will become intertwined as they approach a confrontation outside the church, where only one of them can come out on top. GEE! Guess who wins?! (insert holy music here).

Washington (Training Day) and Crowe (Gladiator) lead a spectacular cast of stars--Chiwetel Ejiofor, Cuba Gooding, Jr., (show me the money), Josh Brolin, Ted Levine, Armand Assante (mumble jumbles his words), John Ortiz, John Hawkes, RZA, Common and T.I., before he got arrested for purchasing machine guns.

All I can say is, Thank God the 70’s are over.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Halo 3 player punches MOM after video game is taken away!!

A Fan of the video game Halo 3 is accused of punching his mother after she forced him to end his game Sunday night. “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!”

Indian River County Sheriff’s Deputy Sean Harnage reported responding to the family’s home at about 11:30 p.m. Sunday in reference to an “out-of-control child.” Also known as “SARGEANT”. Also known as “Grandma’s BOY”. Also known as a 38 year old who lives in his parent’s basement.

The parents told deputies their son was playing Halo 3, and it was getting late and he needed to shut it off. When the son refused to turn off the game, the parents reportedly took the air card out of his machine so he couldn’t play anymore.
Reports show the son became enraged, went through the house looking for the air card, and then punched his mother, prompting the parents to call the Sheriff’s Office.



1. backyard is on fire

2. refuses to answer to anything other than "Master Chief"

3. Has "TEAM XBOX" tattooed on his left arm

4. Responds to questions with "In 8 hours Halo 3 sold more copies than every PS3 game combined. What have you ever done MOM?"

"I am a level 20 with 98 games played. I SAID I want MAC and CHEESE FOR DINNER!"

Thursday, November 1, 2007

I love you TWINKIES!

When I get married I'm going to have a TWINKIE wedding cake!
....I cann't wait!

I've been practicing....
almost got it..

Then I'm going to have more TWINKIES!!