Most stories of Thanksgiving stories start with a boring introduction. Not this one. Lets just get right to it:
The Pilgrims, who sailed to this country that we founded because it’s ours and no-one legitimately was here before us, that counted, were originally members of the English Separatist Church (a PURE-TAN chuch) They had earlier fled their home in England and sailed to Holland, which is in The Netherlands. (for most of us that didn’t get Geography in our American education system.) Anyways, they fled to escape religious persecution. I’d like to know what kinds of persecutions, but they never say. There, the Pilgrims enjoyed more religious tolerancere. Hmmm…I tolerate taking the bus to work, but I wouldn’t say it’s enjoyable.
…but them Pilgrims eventually became disenchanted with the Dutch way of life, thinking it ungodly, much like Las Vegas. The heathens! Hello? Have you been to Amsterdam? Seeking a better life, the Separatists negotiated with a London stock company to finance a pilgrimage to America. That’s how they roll.
So The Pilgrims, a bunch of religious congregationalists, set ground at Plymouth Rock on December 11, 1620. Their first winter was devastating, much like my birthday this year due to the lack of decent presents. The had lost 46 of the original 102 who sailed on the Mayflower, a large boat. Considering many of the dead were from the London Stock company, sent to see how the dough was being spent, no one much cared.
How did they get the turkey? Governor William Bradford, a forefather of William Shatner & www.priceline.com, sent "four men fowling" after wild ducks and geese. It is not certain that wild turkey
Almost all my relatives gorge on pumpkin pie at thanksgiving, but it is unlikely that the first feast included that special treat you fat f*ck, so put your fork down. The supply of flour had been long diminished, so there was no bread or pastries, especially not twinkies, however, they did eat boiled pumpkin, yummy.
In addition, the pilgrims produced a type of fried bread from their corn crop. We call it “Elephant Ears” and eat it at the carnival y’all. This is an essential carnival food, as many carnies have “summer teeth.” Some are here, some are there. It makes it difficult to digest regular food, like corn dogs. In Plymouth, unlike the carnival, there was no milk, cider, potatoes, or butter cause there were no domestic cattle for dairy products. But lets be thankful for what they did have: fish, berries, watercress, lobster, dried fruit, clams, venison, and plums. LOBSTER!! WTF!!! I knew my family cheaped out on the $0.88 lb turkey!
This " Thanksgiving" feast was not repeated the following year. Very much like at our house, except we call it the “thanksgiving day debacle” with reference to whatever loser my sibling was dating at that time.
It wasn't until June of 1676 that another Day of Thanksgiving was proclaimed. George Washington proclaimed a National Day of Thanksgiving in 1789, although some were opposed to it. Blah blah blah… they got shot. Later, President Thomas Jefferson opposed the idea of having a day of Thanksgiving . But many people wanted an excuse to get drunk and pass out.
It was Sarah Josepha Hale, a female species magazine editor, whose efforts eventually led to what we recognize as Thanksgiving. Hale wrote many boring editorials championing her cause in her Boston Ladies' Magazine. I like how it was her cause. If you have a cause, please write it in here: ____________________________________________________________________. I have a cause for my sister, It’s called “FIND A JOB” & stop mooching off my parents. Then we can all truly be thankful.
Finally, after a 40-year campaign of writing editorials and letters to governors and presidents and other people who didn’t care, Hale's obsession became a reality when, in 1863, President Lincoln proclaimed the last Thursday in November as a national day of Thanksgiving. Damn,
Public uproar against this decision caused the president to move Thanksgiving back. In 1941, Thanksgiving was finally sanctioned by Congress as a legal holiday, finally. The end. All the Indians died or opened gambling facilities and Thanksgiving is the fourth Thursday in November. Lets take a moment and be thankful for our cornucopia of pumpkin pie!!